Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Strangers are Truer than Fiction

I work at a call-center that processes operator-assisted calls. In a nutshell, I speak whatever people type to me and type whatever people speak to me. I am a voice and conduit, my head a resonance chamber loaned out for the conversations of others. The company's contract encapsulates the entire United States, so my ghost gets to travel, haunting various terminals, injecting.. I get insulted, praised, ignored, patronized, bullied, beguiled and humored in drawls, brogues, nasally honked whinnies, shuffling consonants and lassoed vowels.. I am a temporary organ donor and sanctioned eavesdropper, a windowlicker and string-wiggled appendage. A vociferous prosaia and choral echo to narcissisms' gall. And all this is housed behind a confidentially agreement I signed to protect the privacy and security of our guests/hosts. However, I can speak anecdotally... provided the IDENTITY of the client is not compromised... So here are some of the more unbelievable snippets I or others have had to say or type, that is, either experiences of mine or my co-workers... and to make it funner, I will fabricate a few examples, see if you can pick them out... Please keep in mind that I've only worked a week so far and that we are obligated to repeat everything verbatim...

- Our chihuahua puppies have had an allergic reaction to the vaccine... they are all swollen... my husband is rushing them to you...
- He just hasn't been the same since the place-crash...
- Sperm monkey!
- Do you ever jump off Jetskis for fun and just float there?
- Dude, you is buggin...
- Have a blessed day...
- I cussed a lot today. [Well, the lord forgives all, but you must repent.] - I'm kneeling right now...
- The car must have tilt steering so it doesn't rub against my belly...
- The operator says that there's the sound of a baby gurgling and laughing in the background... who's making all that noise back there? [Er, that's my father] - HAHAHAHA LOL!!
- I am a two-pump chump...
- All I is is sex to you...
- They charged 28,000 dollars on a gas-card... those identity-theft people ruined our life...
- Pig-humping sperm monkey!
- The reason it was funny was because his head was on fire... you get it, right?
- Hello, I am Mr. Stickrod...
- He is a tool! [A tool?] - A tool! [A tool... a... tool...] - A TOOL A TOOL A TOOL!!!
- Operator, can you leave a message like the axe commercial... you know, biaow chicka wa waaaah!?
- Lv this message: 'najp igoogigoo nyama-nyama-nyam-nyam tittitty booboobeboobubbba!!' Tnx.
- These operators are fucking idiots...

But how can you blame us?

4 comments:

Eve said...

Hey, Stickrod the Sperm Monkey!

Jordan said...

I'm going to guess that the "head on fire" one is not real, but I do hope I'm wrong...

Indiana James said...

I'm thinking the sperm monkeys were actually real! I am beginning to think that your work stories will be as funny if not funnier than the ones I churn out now and again.

SPERM

Eve said...

Hello?!