Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Mighty Post of Boredom

If I were a fictional prepubescant child with a name like Edgar or Reginald, I'd be bored enough right now to qualify for the locating of at least 3 fantastimagical kingdoms in various articles of furniture. "Wow, theres a transdimensional rift into a land of sentient and happy single-serve vanilla puddings hidden here in this recycling box!" (yes, recycling boxes do constitute furniture at my place).

Perhaps its not rightly boredom, but more an escapist reaction to my evil step parent, _______, which makes me be employed. I eat microwave dinners that leech plastic into my soul, swipe cards in doorways, crave stimulants (even Valium would be an upper), get grumpy at inanimate objects, start glowering at people and generating irrational and fairly arbitrary dislikes of various traits of coworkers:

[I dont like him he sounds like a speak 'n' spell][her elbows are ugly i bet theyre sticky i will give her a wide berth in the cafeteria][his eyes are shifty hes the type to fart in an elevator]...

I think I am just really tired... Lucy left on Sunday to summer in Toronto with a job that was so perfect for her it seemed custom tailored to the cut of her psychic disposition, and she's overjoyed to be back in proximity of her sister and best friend Liz... really makes me miss Becky... makes me wonder what I'm doing here and makes me wonder what I'd do anywhere... sometimes I feel like I have the goods, a certain flair for things, enthused and buoyant... at other times I feel like all the angles of this city carve me down and gouge my senses... my truest are scattered across the globe, somehow with the money and inclination to travel, to live, to project...

Someone I met yesterday gave me good, if not stoned (?) advice: "don't work too hard, or else you'll die before you die" ... thats never really been a problem for me before, in all manners of speaking, the biggest problem for me is being able to project past the immediate point of contact. I believe that in "our" culture, there is some pressure now for guys to be dude-like, that is adaptable, and girls to be self-rather-than-other oriented, that is adapting... this is a gender schism, and while I basically agree with self-centering habits -and realize that we all opt and act at the leisure of our own decisions- our silent habits are approbated by those around us (those that influence us the most)... next thing you know, you are caught as the mooring rope between the dock-cleat of 'who I am' and the cruise-ship stanchion of 'who I want to be'.



Everybody is lonely... but how can this be? I type out background noises (I put them in brackets) at work. This apparently helps facilitate the conversation between the typing and speaking parties (I am a relay operator), but I'm seeing it more right now as capturing an obscured and near-poetic glimpse of habit... I write things like (sound of accordian in a hollow place)(door slamming)(windchimes)(a background conversation about mashed potatos)... It is one of the more beautiful aspects of the job, other than knowing that about 1/10th of what I do is actually helpful and chips away at peoples monolithic stores of grasping loneliness. So I am going to buy a little fish and put it in a creched tank and contemplate existences possibly lonelier than ours...

6 comments:

Lucy said...

Now that's the spirit of a true Nordian!

I looked at one fish at the petshop/aquarium that was constantly pouting, and whenever I spoke to him, he would shake his head side to side and change swimming direction. He was huge, and reminded me of the self-loathing kid in highschool that I used to sit beside in Math class. Sometimes comparing your life to a fish is something you just gotta do to properly assess things. (You're no fat head-shaking- math class sitting fish!)

I'm sure everything will look up in no time. Summer will crack your ice soon enough.

Love, Lucy

lucy said...

Awesome pics, by the way! I love the shadow man with glasses. Why does he need shades when he IS shade?

S'Mat said...

hehe... i got home so limp of character and smelling like ugly carpets and idioted that i read: thats the spirit of a true nordican... friday is crazy hat day at work and you just inspired me to go as a full-on viking. with horns and other accoutremonts... thanks lucy! (either that or i really will take of those goose things and attach it to my helm)
miss you...

Indiana James said...

Roles are meant to be played and I see too many people playing them the wrong way. I think you got it with your comment on how ladies are behaving these days. A little dismaying if you ask me. Though a certain girl in Amsterdam set that right in my head if just for a moment. Sometimes all we need is a little reinforcement to keep us forging ahead. Miss you too dude. FTW, do it for yourself. That's my slogan going forward.

S'Mat said...

oof, i wrote a lengthy rejoinder and lost it... um, something about inequity and injustice, perceived or real or otherwise, lending one purpose and power and objective (and even sanctifying ones self-interest... blending survival with progress)... women's historical injustice is still felt today, right here, in language, even within the most radical of Woman's advocates... you're going to be stronger and more directed if you feel you're swimming upstream all the time. meanwhile, us boys are lake dwellers... i know so many lost boys, its distressing...

i'd liken it to the mediocritization of the masses that democracy and its marketplace induces, requiring an US vs. them threat in order to find direction, while completely avoiding the menace within... we are all our worst enemies...

blahblahdribbleblah... i'm not being very articulate... i'm out...

miss you man...
t

Lucy said...

Hey James,

Would you mind if I used your comment for an article?