Monday, July 16, 2007

BB Gun

i AM being targeted at work. somebody in our 12-storey building toots in the elevator just before getting off, cunningly trapping the putressence in the elevator for the next unwitting fool. effectively me. the elevator arrives, i get in solo, a button IS pressed, the doors close and... rauncho. then, inevitably, when i get to the lobby, there'S a gaggle of elevator would-bes waiting, most of whom i work with, and they get in unaware just how much they'll be gaggling, and leaving me with the onerous odorous-anus onus. this has happened twice and i've had enough. but i don't know what to do. except this. blog. and perhaps plan my own revenge/problem to escalate (elevate) the situation unecessarily. i'm talking flaming paper bag here. or pointedly dangling an air freshener in the middle. or finally constructing my idea, patent pending, of the fart-tracking goggles and tracking that impenitent squeaker down. i think that would make some secretary's day, having some ghostfartbuster come into the lobby and head straight to her boss' office.

considering it has been a whopping 3 weeks since i've squatted over this page, you'd've thought i'd've come up with something a little worthier of blathering inanely about. and i haven't at all. um, the grammatical liberties the deaf take is about all... actually, you know what i do find very interesting IS that (i might BE wrong here, as this IS hearsay, but i do know this of arabic too... so its not that big a leap of credibility here) ASL has no verb To BE. existence IS taken as a given. i know that doesn't mean that inexistence doesn't exist for them, because i'M sure that that's all they here (ok... that's a weak pun + a mean spirited joke... nice). but the ramifications on languages that DO have words that act to confirm something's existence ARE incredible. ramification IS a funny word. also, would not BE, in all its glorious and morphologically wacky oddity, also BE a preposition? (a wee aside here... i personally believe that prepositions define and even determine mind. i'M not sure how quite to relay that, at least, not now... but that IS something to get back to for a later date) um, where WAS i? ok, i AM a dork. i went back and changed all the BEs i could find while the idea WAS interesting to caps.

perhaps our unconcious overusage of the word BE has over confused a few things, philosophically speaking, or even allowed the hyper-real a litle too much access to us all. perhaps, like all concepts, it WASn't a problem until it WAS. now defend yourself, think about what it is to BE. hamlet out.

5 comments:

Jordan said...

Farts are little ghosts themselves. They (mine?) are sufficient to explain the paranormal. Like in The Shining, where the old black dude always smells oranges...

Polyacrylamind said...

hahahaha. i have to say that farting in the elevator and then leaving is pretty funny. especially when someone else gets blamed. kinda like when you walk into a bathroom to take a dump and it FUCKIN REEKS from the last dude that dumped and then as you flush the toilet the director of the department comes in and they HAVE to ASS(f)ume its all you. OH MAN! thats embarrasing!

Eve said...

Hahaha. Don't try to put that nasty fart onto someone else.

Indiana James said...

Let the fart games begin I say. There has to be a way to track down the offending gasser. Nothing would get the point across as spraying their behind down to have them carry a fresh scent around them for a few hours to drive the point home. I AM sure about that.

S'Mat said...

i like how everyone's into the farts and not the fabric of language-as-being...