Friday, October 06, 2006

I LIVED LIVID

I woke up furious today. Just seething through my teeth. Anger can be such a motivating force and, in the approximate words of The Terminator, more useful than despair. And fuck am I ever angry! This is unusual for me, as I’m really not ‘angry’ even once a month. I get peeved, frustrated, chafed, irritated and sore, maddened, annoyed… but not kick-over-a-mailbox angry like I am now, not bite-your-dentist livid like right fucking now… and why not? Really, why is anger considered unseemly? An undesirable quality? I see anger all the time. I saw and see it in my ex-girlfriend. She told me I was too angry. This makes Tom angry. She and I no longer speak and, to a degree, I feel betrayed. Partially by myself, but mostly by her. Because I'm not nearly as angry as I should be. And she knows it. But shit, everyone's angry with everyone else.
I am angry at Saphir for not letting me in last night without a near-forcible coatcheck. If they're not going to let me smoke inside, then they cannot ask me to smoke outside without a coat. I now have a raging cold. And I am angry. I'm drafting a Rant-Line later today, as this is going to be a serious problem for businesses as of RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
I am angry at the two old fuckers who stole my wallet last Friday at the friperie. I woke up this morning just knowing it was them. It had everything in it... my SIN card, my US Green Card, my Canadian Citizenship Card, two debit cards, my Miami Bosniaks and Montenegran's club membership card, my Pleasure Craft Operator's license, my BC driver's license, my Ontario Health Card, my Aeroplan Card, my Indigo-Chapters Rewards card, a calling card, $20, a few phonenumbers I'd never copied down, my last condom, an expired sea-fishing license (a momento), and multiple slips of paper that I keep only for reasons poetic. FUCK!
I am angry at myself for getting so far into my story without realizing that I'm attempting the impossible: a literary psy-phi novel by trying to imagine what is theoretically classed as the unimaginable. With robot battles. Faaahahahaaaaaark! (This is actually a great realization, as now I can break through the wall. And start again)
I am angry at learned helplessness. I am angry at realizing that victimization really does exist (for as long as the victim wishes...) I am angry at other people who are shocked at me for 'stepping out of character'. I am angry that I want to murder someone I don't know, never seen, met, talked to (in all senses of the words), but someone who poisoned something remarkably beautiful to me and now skulks in my life's shadows. I am pissed at your indignation in response to my anger. I am angry at the violence that everyone carries with them. Inherent. Inheritable. Brooding.
I am fucking angry.
I am angry that so many people have failed me. Especially the ones closest to me. I am angry that my skills are directionless, unaided. Honed but targetless. I am angry that I don't know how to ask for help. I am angry that I cannot tell others what I need from them without feeling that I violate their autonomy. I am angry at those that violate mine. And I am angry at myself for letting them (if I weren't to let them, I'd again be violating theirs.) I am angry that noone can talk to me about their problems: I see their problems, I feel their problems, I can't let them continue without drawing the venom. This makes them angry. I am angry at distraction, retraction and reaction, deception, deflection and defection. I am angry that there's no more loyalty. Lying makes me angry. Lying by omission makes me angrier. I am angry that I am flesh. I am angry that the environment can be so occluded by individual rapacity or collective negligence, no matter what form the environment takes. I am angry at the advice you might have for me that's tipping your tongue. I am angry that I need to be angry in order to accomplish today's needs. I am angry that your virtues will serve only to materially assist others. I am angry that people don't do for me what I do for them. I am angry that more people don't make me laugh. I am angry that I have to be angry responsibly. I am angry at the hypocrite who says 'don't make me responsible for you, I take on too much responsibility already'. She makes me really angry. I am angry that nobody overtly hates me. I am angry that I trust strangers too much and friends too little. I am angry that people don't tell me they miss me more. I am angry that I've finally accepted that the latest Black Dog album sucks. I am angry that my sister is so far away. I am angry at the bums and angrier at the people who walk past them. I am angry at rudimentary popularity tricks: 'my-club' bullshit, 'earnest' bullshit, 'social diluter' bullshit, 'inconsiderately considerate' bullshit, 'LCD' bullshit... I am angry at those who risk too much and angrier at those who risk too little. I am angry for no reason and angry for every. I am fucking angry. FUCK!

5 comments:

Gramps said...

I could overly hate you if you'd like. Define: overly.

Gramps said...

But wait, you wrote overtly. I saw overly. What am I so eager to be angry at?

H said...

It sounds like a day that would have been better off spent in bed.

Lindz said...

Why is it that anger is so socially taboo? Isn't it just as legitimate as the fuzzier emotions? I mean, a body can stands what it can stands until it can stands no more. And then maybe anger is appropriate or even therapeutic.

Eve said...

Anger is poison.