Wednesday, October 11, 2006

and when the boot-straps snap?

i seem to drift from a weakened system of emotional immunity to the cold blue steel of a contract killer. i've been warned multiple times of my tendency to compromise myself, my investments, my earnest pursuit of achievement... but others' personalities seem so large, charming and tempting to explore. and i leave myself behind... clutching a dead tree when the floodwater recedes, boiling eggs in a draughty house, holding the photo... haunted by mistakes i fabricate in lieu of the ones i can't detail. these warnings - basically that i lose myself in the other - don't fall on deaf ears, it just that i cannot see the line demarcating what's healthy involvement and support, and what's a dangerous relinquishment of personal accountability and strivance to prosper. it is a conscious choice to have it happen, as investing in someone else strikes me (in no matter what form it takes) as investing in myself... the problem, of course, is that they might see it as dependency. the thing is: i am very good at getting to know people. usually manifesting as the recognition of a personality's pattern, but occasionally as something resembling foreknowledge: i can see what someone's going to do. with absolute certainty. i'm sure everyone feels this, to varying degree. and i've been called arrogant for sharing it before (because it's an act of intuition, there's very little factual basis evidencing the outcome), only to be proved correct by events...
i saw this latest turn coming... so, now i have the task of trying to make my life wonderful while trying not to tear myself up about why it isn't. when someone else is already torn. why's that always the way? it's not what i need VERSUS what i want, but what i need VERSUS what i think i should need...

perhaps i am a personality vampire, riding behind someone else's face. until they dump me. perhaps the chronic compulsion to help others is symptomatic of shit-poor self-esteem. perhaps life is just the corporeal expression of mental characteristics... charisma being one of the most influencing factors and contributing to a sliding scale of ethical appraisal. you are less likely to be told off for fucking someone over if you're media friendly.

i am either paranoid or not paranoid enough.

4 comments:

Eve said...

"perhaps the chronic compulsion to help others is symptomatic of shit-poor self-esteem."

I prefer to think of it as an unusual generosity.

H said...

This is why I'm becoming an increasingly large fan of being alone.

pagno said...

i'm a big fan of this writing here tom. the boiling eggs in a draughty house, holding the photo really hit home. thanks

S'Mat said...

heather, being alone Vs. loneliness... loneliest when with others. alone-in-time. i like aloneness. i need it to remain sane... i find it near superhuman of others who crave people all the time. it's estranged many otherwise good relationships.