Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Full Self-Esteem Ahead...

Sat here turning phrases and opening lines about like a rusty, off-centre lathe for a good 20 minutes already. Pulse has synch'd with the despondent-looking cursor, which blinks at a pace approaching near-aerobic for me these cloistered days. But I've brooded my way to accepting that this entry will be an ungainly exercise, like a squid challenging a gazelle to a round of hopscotch, minus the funny sounds. It will be disjunctive (thus suitably representative) and moldy; weak on digestible content and doubtlessly several astronomical units away from the deportment necessary to convey my apologies to my friends and loved ones.

The good news though is that this is an elect state of mind for me as compared to the 3 odd months passed... you see, I'm almost re-heartened. Which is thumbs-up!


I won't tell you where I've been. I'll allude: an amoebic disembodied tongue in a pickle-barrel. My phone has been nothing more than ballast on a foundering ship. It may've well been up my butt (which I guess'd bring new meaning to having a great ringtone).

You see, I am a depressive.
Not 'prone to the blues'. Not morose. Not histrionic. Not reactionary. But neuro-tragic. It turns the world literally inside-out. And all my choice is confounded by the 'reality'. It's a systemic corruption of consciousness. I'll list it...
- Words get slippery. I cherish vocabulary. It's the ecology of idea and the one reply we've generated to our impermanence. One slippery word starts the mudslide. One semantic gaffe... well... 'All for the want of one horseshoe nail, the kingdom was lost.'
- Free will becomes a hostage-taker. All pursuit of creating positive feedback loops only strengthens the sense of victimization. And I am vehemently opposed to victimization - it is habituated fear, and fear cordons and enslaves.
- Music sucks.
- Dependencies and addictions increase. Concern of this fact is in inverse correlation.
- The people who normally buoy you and keep you thinking and ultimately make you whole (you social animal you), become demons. You envy their apparent completion. You feel 'open' to scrutiny, and presuming you know how they feel about you, feel that its bad (in actuality you are feeling you feeling you, which upon further reflection is a gross violation of the other person's freedom = you unwittingly disallow their conscious presence). Your response is to avoid them.
- You become physically weak. Mayhaps from lack of healthy living in total, but it feels like a psychic ailment still.
- Lost time.
- Not even nothing matters. All is trivial.
- You flake-out a lot. Break vows, devotions, commitments.
- You feel that your simple presence on the planet, as a part of the whole, debases the 'good' of the rest. That you destroy it by being.
- Perhaps the worst bit, and linked closely to the free-will: you become you're own excuse and question your agency ('Am I 'creating' this? or am I a creation of this?')

Pretty bad stuff. It's only a fragment of 'me', but when it happens, it happens for a spell unbroken.
And yet, I emerge now from it... an astonishing thing to watch, as it's hard to know what to attribute it to. a squirting of brain? a flexed push of thought? an emotional levee? ... whatever, it feels good.

One caveat here:
Depression does not equal feeling 'unhappy' or 'sad' or 'angry'. Depression may CAUSE those feelings, but in and of itself it is NOT an emotion. It is a numbing of competency and sheer life-presence. If you, as a person, have a rough day and say: 'I was depressed today' then please, for the sake of veracity, know that that's what you mean.

In the meantime and the nicetime, I'll be talking to you...
My face is reforming and I'm lurching back into your life!


pagno said...

missed you.

Princess Pointful said...

Glad to have you back in fine form-- this was a very insightful post.
And I love the mental image of a squid playing hopscotch.

Eve said...

I'm glad you're back, too.

Please don't presume to know what people are thinking about you, ok?

How did you emerge from it? It seems that this would be worthwhile to pursue. Also, it could help, um, others.

Lucy said...

You are such a moon baby, dear cancerian! After reading this post, I thought you might like the Thoth interpretation of the moon card:

"The Moon card leads us into the endless depths of our inner world and therefore into the image world of the soul. It allows us a glimpse behind the mirror in which we have adapted our conscious world to our inner fear's need for security,into the realm of our unconscious where we are faced with our longings and depths.

"As important as the descent into the underworld is, so is the return from it. It is only when the sun crosses the threshold represented on the card that there is new development. If not, the core of the personality remains swallowed up by the sea of the night, and the process of self-development has failed."

Be proud, the return itself is a success, as difficult as it may be. Welcome back.

S'Mat said...

p- and i you...
pp- thanks. squid is a funny word.
e- what do you mean by that? kidding. problem is with knowing how IS the problem... best i can describe it is as the aggregate affect of many tiny contributing factors and 'acts of will' OR a giant biological flux...
lu- i am both moon baby and cancerian most benign.

Sparky said...

Wow, man, I feel ya. The synchronicities between us just keep piling up, like a heap of squid with broken tentacles in the corner of the playground. Glad to hear you're on a upswing o' sorts. For early February, that's pretty dope...

Anonymous said...

Dad says:

Call me!

It is great to read your words, but I also need to hear your voice.

You are my son and I love you.


Mood Indigo said...


First off - I think this may be the best representation of being in the midst of the darkness the world calls depression that I've ever come across.

Second - you are the only blog I am reading tonight, and I know it's long overdue, but still - I hope you feel specil.

Third - your dad reminds me of my dad except clearly he can still see and knows how to type because my dad's message would have looked like this:

Cala me! it iw grear to eead your words. vbut i akso need to hear your voice,

(he is mostly blind and types only with his pointer fingers)

Hope you are living in the light these days...

Caitlin said...

Even from a far I could feel the shift - I only keep the electronic distance because I trust you'll find me when you are ready.

Thank for the post - lovely to hear your voice again even if only through words!

I miss you!