Tuesday, September 18, 2007

what to do in a hostage situation

the most frequent question i get asked on whomunculus is 'what do i do in a hostage situation?' and each time i stress that of foremost importance is that you don't let the victim see your face and to make sure that you regularly apply deodorant to the detained's top lip. Right Guard is the sensible choice if you reside anywhere in the Eastern Bloc; Old Spice if you are a United States Armed Forces officer posing as a black-ops insurgent; and a urinal mint if you are a cop (i don't want to make this too complicated for you, but the top lip is usually right where most people's moustache isn't, just above the bottom lip.)

other important considerations follow:
  1. Don't state your demands on your blog, commentor's witticisms will just exasperate you. For example, 'no more reshelving fees at Blockbuster' might be confused as political activism, and that's obviously not why you're doing this... remember, political activists are bad people, while you're just a modest kidnapper with a fervent belief system and a questionable taste in attire. If you do, you might not be able to demand a plane to fly you to Lima, because you'll've been placed on the International No-Fly list, and won't be let on-board. Besides, Blockbuster will find you. Meanwhile, the comment's might get off-topic, such as attempting to get you to relinquish your hostage or by using potentially hurtful language, or, most likely, just talk about their own hostage-taking experiences and how they failed and were sentenced to work at Blockbuster to learn how to hold someone hostage successfully.
  2. Don't let your boyfr-... I mean hostage... watch anything other than what you want to watch. and if you do, tell him it's stupid. Don't worry, Stockholm Syndrome will confuse him into thinking you had an equal relationship. "I know sometimes I was the kidnapper, but I miss watching America's Next Top Model with you soooo much. Since my remote-control finger atrophied, I need you baby... I mean, I miss you, faceless aggressor with the considerate backhand." Also, hog the popcorn bowl.
  3. Make sure you laugh at your other hostages' jokes more.
  4. Upon request, loosen only the most useless bonds. "I took the apron off you, didn't I? Next you'll be asking me to use the glue solvent on your nostrils. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!"
  5. Continue life as normal. If no-one sees you for a while, they might think that you're too busy kidnapping someone to hang out. "Ever since she started pistol-whipping that city-worker in that abandoned grain-silo, she just hasn't found the time to send me a Superpoke. That slimebag's really been the worst thing for her." Pet dogs outside the photocopier's like you're not a kidnapper. Wear a different coloured balaclava when you go out so that no-one makes any undue correlations.
  6. Use the Globe and Mail's newstype for the hostage note so that the authorities think you can be reasoned with. Don't use the National Post's, they'll think they'll be able to send in an unhousetrained golden retriever puppy or budgerigar or some other commited NP subscriber to negotiate with you.
  7. Make sure to split the cost of the day-time minutes you expend on the hostage's behalf with them. If not, at least use it in your next argument. "It was 33 cents to call the electrician in to exchange the electrodes. Don't think I'm not counting the tax. And I've no idea how to split the advanced 911 accessibility fee."
  8. No field trips: that means no zoo, no black-light bowling, no cocktail parties... Possible exception: you might want to 'invite them along' in order to use the commuter lane such as when picking the gags up from the drycleaners, or to return the Babysitter's Club books you've been reading out-loud to show that you have a delicious sense of irony. Say 'we never go out anymore' once you get back home.
  9. Blame all your farts on him. This goes without saying.
  10. Make waffles one morning, and make him eat them all, saying you're not hungry but implying that you feel he thinks you are fat.
  11. Read your own horoscope aloud. Then read his, but make it up: 'you will be dropped off the end of a pier encased in concrete up to your elbows. a small article you thought lost will be returned to you tomorrow. lucky numbers are: YOU'RE FUCKED!'
  12. Don't be too hard on yourself, its tough going living with anybody, let alone with a helpless prisoner lying prone in a corner covered in their own excrement. If you have difficulties today, just remember, tomorrow will be brand new. Get up early, stretch a bit, kick the detainee in the groin, go water the plants... take it step by step, you know?
  13. Consider bio-sustainable or 'green' hostage-taking. It's a little more expensive, but you'll feel better about leaving a smaller footprint on the planet!

This comprises just the smallest selection of criteria you should try to meet in a hostage situation. It can also double as a list of successful parenting/keeping-alive-the-romance tips.


Anonymous said...

dont you take yourself hostage...?

even with a gun to your head, you make the decision.

S'Mat said...

yeah, i'd probably decide to put down the gun and let myself go, though that's just me. or wrest the gun away from myself. yelling to me to "get away, run, i'll try to subdue myself. get help."

Eve said...

Hahahahahahaha! You kill me, weirdo.