Monday, September 10, 2007

groan shot

Frozen pizza. It has been on my mind a lot. I've been paying attention to the fluctuating prizes of the readily available commercial grade frozen pizza, and I should mention that now appears a good moment to buy in bulk. Delicio just SLASHED its prices, and a pizza offered at the previous price of $8.49 is now attainable for the dimunitive one of only $4.99. HOLY SHIT-SOCKS, you say? Gross, I say, sensible shit should really wear nylons for the obvious advantage that fleshtones would present, and also for its swingability.

So, with the over-cooked efforts of someone who's been thinking of blog material all day, I offer some alternative uses by which you can use frozen pizza to ameliorate the tedious human condition people are condemned to (ending on a preposition is like a lizard's tail-stump sucked on).

  • TIMER: nail the frozen pizza (the crust must NOT be precooked) above an ON lightswitch, when it thaws, it'll turn off the light.
  • THUMB STRENGTHENER: place your fist on a table, place frozen pizza on your thumb, lift pizza with your thumb. repeat. [NB: start off on a simple pizza, like four cheeses... within a week you'll be ready for the Deluxe.]
  • CURRY-STAIN REMOVER: rub frozen pizza on affected article until the curry stain magically disappears.
  • SHOWER-IS-TOO-HOT/COLD PROTECTER: have a frozen pizza handy for those moments when you hear your neighbour's flush. ha! foiled!
  • SERVING DISH FOR PIZZA: oven-fresh pizza ready? no implement with which to offer it to your guests? use a frozen pizza!
  • WEDGIE DETERRENT: how can Tyler Radmeister give you a wedgie if you've got a frozen pizza in the way?
  • DRIVING ARM-TAN PREVENTOR: preheat pizza on sun-warmed dashboard to allow some flop to develop. put floppy pizza on arm nearest open window (usually the left one).
  • FRIDGE MAGNET USER-UPPER: too many latent fridge magnets? use them on a frozen pizza.
  • ECLIPSE CREATOR: why wait until the day after an eclipse to realize you missed it... again? eclipse the sun with your very own frozen pizza and then inform others that they missed it. the dicks.
  • SNOW SHOES: put snow in your shoes and then, with both hands, hold a frozen pizza above your head and yell SNOW SHOES!!!

and now onto something completely different... today I walked along Ste. Catherine to do a 'tween-class perimeter check and saw a sight most peculiar... some bespectacled old dude was on a street corner using a stair-master. garbed in gym wear, I honestly thought he was raising money for the derelict pub he was exercising in front of, until I saw the popped trunk of the cab parked beside him... then the story materialized: it was a bored cabbie, who, concerned about his health - or trying to work off the viagra he'd been popping recreationally - doing cardio on the street corner! it made too much sense to be funny. 'can you take me home? and step on it!'

4 comments:

Eve said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Indiana James said...

Ha ha ha,

Well, I don't know what kinda perception the general public would have of me should I drive around one day with a pizza protecting my sun arm. Though that is a good use for it. It'd be cool to start, but eventually would cook itself and you'd have a meal.

That story of the old dude on the stair master needs a picture to go along with it. That must have been quite the site though. :P

beck said...

ate frozen pizza for dinner..... one of Dr. Oetker's....

after reading this blog entry, i feel like such a pizza slut...so cheap... it felt good at the time, but now i just feel used........

funny story bout the cabbie and the stair master.... hahaha. great mental pic. ha.

Mood Indigo said...

creative genius s'mat. And kudos to the cabby - you'd never see that in New York!