Wednesday, January 24, 2007


in a post far, far away i'd spoke of a headbutt towel that i'd once 'conceived' to help distinguish between the genital-drying spots and the cephalic-drying spots. to help illustrate i did a perfunctory google only to find that someone had made the idea commercially viable. those fuckwits! i thought about it some more, and the idea of idea-stealing became unbearable. sure we hash and rehash, borrow, reclaim, and repeat stories, notions, opinions, facts and fictions (did you know that lying requires more brain activity than telling the truth? proof again that the US president actually believes what he says...) and why shouldn't we? what is language but an acculturated appropriation of other peoples' ideas? so, because i can't get mad about some sort of ethereal property rights (for a while i'd honestly thought i'd made up the conceptual problem of 'the singularity' - calling it things like 'the aggregation', 'homogefier' or 'collapse' [not nearly as snappy or appropriate as 'singularity'..] and horded it like a madman until it was pointed out to me that no, i was just waaay late joining the dialogue. so after i realized that i'd likely soaked up this information from somewhere else, adopted it for my own and then proclaimed my own genius, only to see myself as a buffoon a short while later, i'll relax my grasp of a few other ideas have (because i don't have the resources to make ANY of them happen, they might as well be free, so can save my hubris from later rashes).
  • a portable music player that plays mp3s! (ok, i'm kidding, though i did once meet a man at Biftek who'd claimed to've invented snowmobiles, cellphones and $20 bills. he was pissed about not getting any of the royalties. i think he was trying to impress a drink out of me. ultimately, i was intrigued by his stalwart belief that it was true. it's quite mesmorizing to witness someone else holding witness to themself that way.)
  • a fanny pack that has two belts you can attach to your ankles and drives the energy spent walking to a battery and inverter so you can recharge your phone and shit while you walk around. then you could have all sort of wicked attachments like personal fans and cooling devices for beer during the summer and heat coils for the winter. etc. etc.
  • pants that you can sit down in WHILE STANDING UP! i think that's a great idea. basically, they inflate or lock girders in the seams so that you can sit as if you were in a chair, but weren't! how funny would that be if physics and society permitted it to happen!
  • personal hooks to hang off a body-brace for when you go shopping. hands free consumer enjoyment. insert ready-made joke about mallrats looking like hookers here. or elsewhere. whatever...
  • an umbrella that DOESN'T break. why haven't those been invented yet?
  • the Levity System.. can't tell you about that one, as its got sentimental associations. and I will be instituting it one day.
  • street canals, for when it rains. we could use them for transportation AND energy production (put some sluiced turbines at the end, voila, lots of power). they'd be pretty too.
  • public urban orchards.
  • 24 hour business days (then 2 people could live in the same room at the same time! it'd deal some with overcrowding!! this is an idea one might call STUPID. we'd have too much about human nature to reinvent.)
  • a hairmelter for men, shaving is NOT fun and nor is this monstrous beard i'm sporting.

a lot of other inventions don't come ot mind right now. what are yours?


S'Mat said...

not really '...shit while you walk', but like, 'recharge your phone and stuff while you walk'

i'm tired and knocking artwork off the walls here (ruined a painting worth $150, though a drunk geriatric pitbull could've painted better if you ask me)

H said...

What are you doing writing this blog?! Go and market some of this stuff!
My invention? A bathmat with a built-in heater. It would make my morning teeth-brushing activities significantly more pleasant.

Mood Indigo said...


No - but these are wonderful ideas. All my "inventions" come in the forms of organizations that need to be created - I've always marveled at actual inventors.

Eve said...

Wow. Impressive list.

I love the walking chargers. Brilliant.

And street canals do exist - they are the precursors to sewers. They are nasty, man. They have them in China, and let me tell you, I used to have nightmares about falling in them. Lots of rats. There were some places though (like Lijiang or other picturesque cities) where their streetside canals were lovely, and where some people (dirty ones) wash their clothes.

Eve said...

Oh, and I thought I invented the umbrella hat, only to face huge diappointment seeing a guy wearing one when I visited Mexico.

S'Mat said...

H- a heated bathmat would be a best seller!
MI- What type of organizations? Creating cooperation must surely be the highest form of invention..
Eve- the mexicans had a 'head'start with their sombraro activities, you were right on target. those canals sound pretty ripe.. the idea behind the ones here would be that there's only water in them when it rains, at drier times they could be bike paths or a place for skaters to hurt themselves or emergency vehicle routes or something.

Jordan said...

My dad's profile shadow inspired my idea for a novelty nose-hair trimmer that is modeled on the modern chainsaw, pull-start included.