Thursday, November 30, 2006

Ouch..

I made it all of 6 days (and a half), and life did not really improve all that much. I missed my blog! And I really missed being able to legitimately visit other people, it felt spectral not to leave little 'hellos' on peoples' blogs.

I'm going to cut my teeth gently though, and not be too ambitious in this installment. I'm just here to pick up my spirits some today. Free the bonds, like. I would have waited longer, but ARRRGH!!!

I used to rise to Isabel's posts, because they seemed so horribly inaccurate a portrayal of what had been. They'd feel so unfair. I'd reason eventually, after reacting angrily, that to protect your pattern of belief and behaviour, you'll turn instead to the heroic task of flipping the world on its head until the sense you need with which to maintain your worldview eventually loses its grip and falls into the seat you'd reserved for it ('hypothesis' lit. "under one's seat"). The end-game of that task reduces yourself to victim though, and if both parties play that game it becomes a game of 'who hurt who more'. I dearly wish Isabel and I had been able to speak to each other during the past 3 months, as before that we had actually been able to glimpse into the reasons as to how we'd fallen apart without the feeling of recrimination. Briefly. We'd seen each other as people, not villainously fragmented anti-personalities. In the end, she cut me out after a fight we'd had over $20. I gave and asked apology. We did not talk further. In the last 1/4 year, I still manage to hurt her, this time through absence. I'd held onto her link because I counted her among the closest of my friends, and I guess I was wincing for reconciliation, or at least some attempt at it. Now that just looks fruitless. I can say 2 things assuredly: It was my fault, but also hers. And, at least we can say we tried. Maybe that's even the problem?

Anyway. She keeps a tidy and thought-provoking blog, and despite occasionally coming across as abrupt, she proves to be the most stalwart and considerate of allies.. but add her to your links accordingly, as by my next post you won't be able to find her here anymore.

10 comments:

Mood Indigo said...

wow - the blog world really is smaller than I realized. I read both your blogs and had no idea that who you spoke of was each other. I can't remember who I found through who either - but one of you led me to the other, so I guess there's that. No wonder I haven't had a post from her in a while...

clearly I can relate to both of you though - the aftermath of a relationship is what I continue to attempt to reconcile in my own writing!

S'Mat said...

MI, isn't each life made up of a thousand little deaths? i don't remember how i came to your site either, i reckon through H's, which was likely what earned me the moniker of blog-stalker (though i am keen on locals' blogs, maybe some sort of primacy should be awarded for finding a blog of relevance?) as i found her through isabel. though i got wiped, i refused to do so in turn, but i suppose that has little to affect someone else's perception or behaviour. just because i consider someone to be still a part of my life does not mean they should do the same. i will be remembering that one..

i like to think, that though older now, i am maybe only 10 in relationship years. sometimes i feel i understand it, other times it consumes me, and yet others, simply leaving me numb and overwhelmed. perhaps over is better than under though. isabel and i ultimately didn't work because of circumstance. doesn't change the fact that i wish we could 'get along'. we share the same friends.. it didn't have to be this way. aftermath is the most perfectly appropriate word.

have you ever read Justine, by Lawrence Durrell? mega-good quixotic exegesis on love.

H said...

S'Mat, first off, welcome back. As Megan said, it's an incredibly small world, and although it took me a little while to catch on to the fact that you and Isabel were in fact writing about one another, this reinforced the 'small world' scenario even further.
In a nutshell, it sounds like you've both done your very best to deal with a hard situation. What makes it so hard for the people actually involved, and I speak from experience here, is that the other person never deals with the pain of a breakup in the same way we do, and would essentially like them to, making them feel even more foreign to us.
Tough stuff.

Anonymous said...

Yeah!! You're back! Yeah!

Anonymous said...

Damn you for getting me started on this blog thing... You know how I feel about what has happened with the two of you. I respect the direction you're going with this. Good on ya. And, btw, I didn't think you'd make it even3 days let alone 6 :)

Anonymous said...

S'Mat, there are a couple of somethings I'm coming to terms with after recent breakups;
Just because things are changing doesn't mean they will change to the way I like them. Sadly.
Things don't necessarily happen in my time or because of my best of intentions...I try, nonetheless, death after sorrowful death.
There is much honour in being able to sincerely apologize and make amends to those you hurt.
Feel for you.

Anonymous said...

Relationships are gruelling. Both those that work and those that don't.

A memorable breakup really is formative though and in the long term and should be on any meaningful relationship resume... I remember it being tough to be the bigger person - I was so proud of myself for dealing reasonably with the split until I realized I had no audience to hold my performance up against - at least not the one I wanted.
It's strange to share so much intimacy with anyone and suddenly be devoid... I remember the hole it left in my soul. At the time I though the emptiness was the person I'd lost and it really was, it's just that the person I'd lost had fundamentaly shape shifted and could never fill in that gap again.

That's an old memory - wow.

I'm infinitely thankful for the simpler life I've led since.

S'Mat said...

Sometimes the post-breakup distance reminds me of why I used to cry when I spilled over and scraped myself up when wee: The soothing, tender attention you'd receive from a loved one would make the accident tantalizingly worse.

H - here's cheers to differences but curses hurled at their estranging outcomes. thanks for the welcoming!

L - yeahyeahyeah! yeah!

Indie - 'There may be trouble ahead...' we're all damned here matey, BLOGS ARE MONSTERS THAT EAT THEIR CREATORS.. I'm so very glad you're on, but believe you me, the dynamics can become quite strange.

MG - So right. These seem like solid, time-honoured axioms! Seems like we have similar modes of post break-up analysis: how much involvement can we really have? How can we validate our feelings of concern for the ex without tearing ourselves up or 'meddling'? Without feeling horrid when we are given characteristically devastating feedback, as if the sluicegates of intimacy are jammed open, conveying all the rotted material we used to have so happily inform us. Perhaps even co-creating it by giving it the anguish of due process. And who do we naturally want to share this with, but the person to whom it most pertains. I agree with you that apology is the best instrument, but the sincerity (or point behind the apology) the hardest thing to direct (or the easiest to misdirect?). Totalement!

JC - Yay! I like the part about the Other being 'fundamentally shape-shifted'. So very true.

Breakups can be so demonstrative (or demon-something).. Phew, I think I'm actually panting here..

Anonymous said...

Smat, I think there comes a time when we need to say enough is enough. There is such thing as due process and there's a whole other called salting-our-own-wounds (trust me, I wrote the book on the latter). I have taken the advice of good friends who see me suffer and patiently listen to all my neurotic phone calls, pleas to understand and finally the cord needs to be cut. Things need to be finished. No open-ended questions in emails, no drunk dialing, nothing. Because my friend, there are never enough conversations with The Person It Pertains To to heal the hurt you may feel. I needed to have the conversations with myself and realize that yeah, that really is all there is to it.

S'Mat said...

MG - I've been wishy-washy on the old cut the cord approach, even last night I weighed and appraised even taking off the link.. but I see your point, there's just a residue left and it's made up of blood-caked salt. you're right, there just ain't enough time in life, thank you.