Friday, August 24, 2007

swearwords... not just for fucking assholes

ok, so what the fuck is up with swear words? i remember hearing my first in-song swearword (Lenny Kravitz's "Mr Cabdriver"... Mr Cabdriver, fuck you, I'm a survivor...) and freaking out. i thought that was the coolest shit ever. i remember the first time i got told off for swearing (such a nipple twist that one, i was watching Aliens at Marc Guillet's house and Sigorney'd just taken the flamethrower to the Queen's eggs and was trying to get out of the terraforming factory before the fusion generator blew with the pubic-lice-to-the-Nth-degree looking Queen on her tail (pretty bileraising scene and totally swear-worthy) and i commented on it: 'that mother looks so pissed off'... Marc Guillet's dad bollocked me: no swearing in my house tiger, and i asked what? what did i say? and he said pissed was a swearword. and i was like no fucking way, you dirty french dick discharge. not really. i said. oh, sorry, because i was actually pleasant in those days. thing is i'd learnt all the plumper, more poignant words from his own son, Marc, who could've gotten a grant from the Canada Council for the Arts for his ribald loquaciousness)...

swearing welded my puberty together. it was literally an oath, a ward of protection, a structured and gassily semantic frame for a scream... nicely packaged format for angst... it seemed the most appropriate form to express my pain and hurt this overcooked shit-pie my world seemed to be... when my parents divorced, we took to swearing avidly around the house... my mum was fine with it, actually revelled in it, i believe, colouring it with more creative adjectives than i could muster at that point. finding out she could strip the mussel's from a cargoliner's hull with naught save an oral flourish impressed the everliving shit out of me. i was like 'fucking right'. and started calling her maw instead of mum, like how i imagined a trailor park kid would call his mum when finding the finger he'd blown off his brother's hand the week before behind Uncle Duke's stereotype... "fuck maw! gitouthere... Mullet just barfed up the rest of it..."

and there's wider patterns to swearing...
remember the 'douchebag' fad that stormed through public awareness a few years ago? people were like 'Bono? that guy's a douchebag...' and 'redouche, reuse, recycle' and 'Sup, douchers?'... ad nauseam... it was incredible, perhaps because it held its valency, like the 'retard' wildfire that'd ripped through the planet a few years before that. the phrase 'retarded douchebag' is still pretty funny, even though it don't mean shit and we're all a bit desensitized to them now... maybe that's even why these things are funny? i mean, really, what is a retarded douchebag?

so now i query and prompt for the latest swearwords out there... any new euphemisms you know of? want to just swear in the comments? at me? at some prick you know? go on, let's pretend swearing is cool again, like we're on a grade 8 field trip to Sault Ste. Marie with fuckwits for chaperones again... my maw's cool with it and shit, don't worry...

for inspiration:
THE BIG LEBOWSKI - THE FUCKING SHORT VERSION

14 comments:

S'Mat said...

just to kick it off, the best comment i ever saw on someone's blog was so concisely elegant and non sequitor it will always have a warm place in my heart. i reduplicate it below in all it's simple, arresting magnificence...

Anonymous said...

BIG BLACK COCK IN YOUR FACE

Lucy said...

You are SUCH a cock-walloping son of an albino bushpig.

S'Mat said...

see? didn't that feel good? for you...

beck said...

hahahaha,......... i remember when you got told off for saying 'pissed' hahahaha. you got in trouble....good times them.... that was like '91, the guillet days.

funny blog tommos.

Jordan said...

Your use of "cockwound" will remain vivid for me for quite some time.

Lucy said...

Cockwound was always a creeper-outer. Yo man, that's one shit-soaked walnut cracker...

somewhere joe said...

fucktard is a popular hybrid...

Eve said...

Nasty sex references are pretty popular, I think.

You snoodler, you.

S'Mat said...

is it ever too late to douche?

um... snoodler. snoodler, like, i stole someone else's next game of snood?

Eve said...

Google it.

S'Mat said...

what? this is what i found at urban dictionary:

1. snoodler

When an uncut homosexual wraps his foreskin around another homosexual's penis and jacks him off.

"Wow lance sure is a snoodler"

is this what you are refering to? this gives me a great idea for a blog post!

Eve said...

No, I was referring to the game.

You're sick, man.

S'Mat said...

gosh, yes, looking back at the comment it seems like you are absolutely correct: i am sick. sorry for being sick.

sorry everyone.