- Modern Language Association of America unveiling new line of punctuation marks to help bolster recent decline in emoticon usage.

- Edible Soap finds fiercest competitor in McCain's new Deep 'n' Soapy dessert.

- Area New Zealander finally relents, sighing: 'Yes, I am Australian'.

- Dalai Lama files multibillion dollar lawsuit against N.A. kindergartens for retroactive royalties on hit song If You're Happy And You Know It..

- Ecologists find new species of newt living on Victoria Beckham's pout.

- David Bowie to make guest appearance on NASA Central Command radio-link.

- KFC launches new Buckets Made Out Of Chicken dinner option.

- Obama declares Domestic Policy of leading US through desert for 40 years in search for land of milk, honey.

- Somali Pirate stocks at all time high on NASDAQ.

- Psych Prof. Gary Weinhoff unveils latest wife at UCLA Psychology Department Christmas Party.