Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Eroding Upwards

I have the uneviable category of shorts-weather legs that evoke winces in those that witness them: they are knobbly, sporadically haired, highly-splayable and porcelain white. They more resemble the legs of an albino infant giraffe born near an undersea geothermal vent than those belonging to the suave champion iconoclast you've all come to know - AND LOVE. People gawk and gasp when they see them, they reach for sunglasses/garlic-rubbed wooden stakes, lean down to children and point while muttering under their breath, immediately feel the urge to call loved ones or inexplicably crave cheese curds. I'm fairly fond of how awkward these sticks can be, especially when paired with leisure summer clothes.

Other anaTOMical stragenesses involve:
  • smaller than average ears; one is a bit lower than the other, meaning that when I wear aviators it looks like one leg is about 3 inches shorter than the other. i'm thinking about augmentation
  • startlingly fast-growing fingernails, about 4mm of growth a week. if i don't clip them biweekly, i wake up looking like a racoon attacked me in my sleep. they're quite strong though
  • very good vision. though, i'm thinking because they're blue, they're supersensitive to light
  • false teeth. i have inch-long screws going into my skull to attach two ceramic incisors at the front. i used to have them mounted on a retainer when i was an adolescent obviously needing yet another thing to feel self-conscious about. strangely, people would step on my retainer a lot, so i'd go weeks at a time with two gaps where my smile should've been
  • oddly bulbous biceps. they'll pop out at you like fermented yoghurt when you least expect it. FUN!
  • prehensile toes. i can write with them, use chopsticks (but nowhere near my mouth), play tetris (for a few levels). they really impress goths
  • facial hair that flows down to the ol' choda. how wicked is that!? not very
  • a demeanor that most people readily recognize as at least bi-curious, but i'm actually really pretty straight. i often wish i weren't

how about you lot? got any bodily weirdnesses you'd like to share? go on... GO ON!!!

ps. sorry about the choda comment...

8 comments:

Joel said...

My ears, at least the bottoms, are misleveled a bit, I've had some grey hairs since I was 21, I also have fairly dextrous/prehensile toes, though they haven't been put to much practical use, hairy areola's (skirted, at least), trick ankles (always seems to bend the right way to avoid any injury whilst falling down stairs), my nose was broken about 10 yrs ago and this contributes to a certain lack of symmetry when viewing my profile from either side, also the inner corners of my front top teeth have been chipped out on several occasions, firstly horseplay involving a crystal glass then on a fork while eating salad, and currently one of the replacement corners has been missing for a while. Toodle ooh,
Joel

Eve said...

Hahahaha.

You could start wearing elf ears, or did you mean a different kind of augmentation?

You know, I haven't seen you in a while, but I do seem to remember some knobbly-kneedness going on.

Hmm, weird anatomical features. My fingernails are like steel, and they do grow pretty fast. My nostrils are completely different, and a bit humongous. And I'm in love. *sigh* (Not related, but exciting nonetheless!)

Heather said...

Hmph. I have a double-jointed thumb. Which now seems not nearly as exciting as it used to.
Did you write this with your toes?

Rogering me said...

it stops at the choda! no way man. that would make your sphincter assymmetric, therefore falling on the lower side of assthetic metrics. Graphically, it would resemble the tangent derivative, with an assymptote at zero. Haven't we discussed follicular sphincters before?

Roger

Lin-Zed said...

Oooh...fun game.
My weirdest thing is my skin tag on my ear: little (bout 3 mm) flap of skin and cartiledge right at the entrance to my ear canal. My parents used to ask me if I wanted to get rid of it when I was younger but it doesn't bother me. And people don't seem to notice it unless I point it out or they are staring at my ears for some reason. But if they are staring at my ears then they are probably pretty weird individuals and I don't particularly care what they think about my oddity.
What else? Umm...I've recently notice that one ear is larger than the other. I have a really bumpy skull and unbelievably dry elbows (not even the Norweigan Fisherman Neutrogena stuff can pierce them).
Ok...and the last. I was nervous and hesitant about revealing this one cause it really upsets me. There is one dark hair on my chin. Some girls spend for ever examining their pores in the mirror. My pores are fine...I'm fussy about product. But I literally spend cumulatively about an hour a week examining my chin in the mirror so that I can spot it as soon as possible and destroy it. I actually bought a magnifying mirror just for that purpose. Yuck!

Eve said...

Lindz - Hahahahaha.

Indiana James said...

My eyes crust over whenever I don't get to read something on the genius level. Get posting again man! :D

S'Mat said...

Joel - harhar... you should start a blog, that's like willing a weird anatomical feature into grotesque realization! you write too well not to!!

Eve - love eh? you should have that lanced before it goes septic. actually, i kid. i believe it's too late to save you.

Heather - double-jointed is a great gift. who knows, it might get you out of a hostage situation... or get you into one (saucysaucy!)

Rogering - hmmm, perhaps we have discussed them, but i don't think ever at the same time. you're right about my misrepresentation. i do have a follicular saddle, so to speak. behold the 1st orbital ring of uranus. NASSA should get involved.

lindz - dry elbows? you should spend more time at the nearest speak-easy, that usually softens them right up. re: the hairy chin... hair obsession another form of dysmorphia. you either need help or learn to love it, like a chinese dude'll love his mole whiskers.

Indie - i know it gets weirder than that. tell them about The Nut!